After rinsing myself of the FILTH that is modern video games I’ve decided to go back to revisit my youth, and at the same time play better video games.
Originally I wanted to review LOTR Return of the king but a comment on JewTube by a kike gave me a better idea what to review.
I decided I’ll make a review on a game loved by few and unknown by many, that game?
Made by Germanic swedes in the days where Sweden was still white (2004), it is basically Christian God of War/Lord of the rings return of the king. Good old beat ’em up (with swords) game from the days of “European Supremacy”
The game begins with a strange sequence you go to hunt in the woods and find a delirious Brother Templar saying about the end of the world is coming and other raving of a madman. After talking with the afflicted man, you learn that a saintly woman went missing and are asked with tracking her and her kidnappers down.
And so the game begins… you create a profile and select a difficulty.
NOTE: on Knight and Templar (hard and hardest) Difficulties you’re not allowed to have checkpoints within levels game saves per level so if you die WITHIN the level you’ll have to play the level again.
Since yours truly knows that real gamers play on hard (since playing easy or normal is not really challenging therefore not fun or even memorable), I went with Knight (hard difficulty).
After witnessing cutscenes and a great fucking soundtrack you arrive in Monastery and inquire about the Bishop which was rumored to have contacted/kidnapped with Adelle.
Our protagonist takes a few steps and then the door violently shuts in, the new abbot is violently sodomized by his fellow clergymen and the action begins.
Fighting is simple as piss, there are light attacks, heavy attacks, blocks and special moves (will get unlocked later). For now you’re supposed to fight these emaciated figures addicted to wood who fight like women with kitchen knives.
Continue cleansing the butt-bandits from the monastery until you get to the catacombs, at the catacombs you realize that the scourge of sodomites has infected the men at arms and knights as well.
Continue your Christian duty and put these sodomites, to the sword, at some point you’ll find out that the grave of the Bishop is empty, our hero returns to the abbot only to find him in barely alive, sodomized beyond recognition he begins to rave madly that the devil is our lord and savior because sodomy and satanism is one and the same.
And then the executioner interrupts our hero, and on Knight difficulty this fight is hard as balls, first time I got my shit wrecked and was forced to play the entire level all over again. At the second time I was more sharp, more alert and even then the fight was tense.
I was low on health and then I heard the angels sing, my resolve hardened and fought like a lion, in the end i just managed to kill him with sliver of health, my heart was pounding and I was sweating.
But then that sweet sweet stream of Dopamine as you overcome a harsh challenge (this is why you play on hard) after the fight, I gave a prayer the poor abbot and continued onwards.
The next level, the port.
Continue killing those Christian ass-bandits and get to the end of the stage there, Not Athena appears to you in a vision, giving you the information that she was kidnapped by the not-dead Bishop and her life is danger. So our hero is planning to depart to the “Holy Land”, before she departs she grants you some of her “holy powers” the first of which, is the much needed SELF-HEAL.
Our hero sails and lands in Acre.
At first, our hero assumes friendly relations with the denizens there but unfortunately for him the scourge of “sodomitis” has reached the Holy Land as well, and so he is attacked by a group of diverse and culturally enriching sand people.
Undiscouraged he puts all of them to sword and thinks maybe the authority has more sense than these sand-niggers, unfortunately for our hero, he soon discovers that the Saracen leader is not only a sodomite, but a globalist as well.
The (((Unholy Circle))) has managed to convince Christians and Sand-niggers that Homosexuality is way to unite to world and the sand nigger leader tries earnestly to convince our pure Bavarian phenotype protagonist the unity and “benefits” of homosexuality.
Our hero listens to what he has to say, considering the “unity of Muslims and Christians under the flag of Satan” [seriously] and decides that’s pretty gay, and tells him he’s gay AF.
Outraged, the sand-nigger boss and his 2 best fuckboys lounge at you. Now this fight is pretty fucking hard because you get to fight 3 mini-bosses at the same time (a Crusader with full plate, a sand-nigger juggernaut, and sand-nigger with twin swords).
But there is way to cheese the fight, you pull out your bow and Head shot the two knights (since headshots insta kill anyone in this game, mini-bosses included).
And then it’s just you and the sand-nigger boss, after decimating the dunecoons, loot the chest nearby that upgrades your self-heal.
Continue onwards into the sewers, solve a bat shit annoying puzzle (pro tip, use First person mode using the bow to look at the puzzle solutions on the wall) and continue the streets once again, after cleansing the whole of acre from mudslime filth.
You find out that they didn’t just sodomize the men, but women and children as well.
And so Not Athena reveals to you that you must go to Jerusalem to face the abbot, and so grants you another “holy power” of “divine armor” (invincibility for a short duration).
In Jerusalem, you learn that the hook nosed Bishop is planning to open the gates of hell to our world and so our heroes presses on.
I won’t continue the story but there is some BULLSHIT PUZZLE in Jerusalem that took me a fucking hour to solve, here’s the solution, grats. I just saved you an hour.
Gameplay and final thoughts:
The game is pretty much an Arcadic button masher in the same vain of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King with some special abilities of self-heal, invulnerability, AoE smite and “Holy arrow”.
It’s a fun game to burn 6-8 hours on, but it’s nothing really remarkable, the story is simply “go and stop evil” and you went from Killing faggots, to knights, to sand-niggers into darker skinned sand-niggers and into killing Demons from hell, Ghosts and the Damned.
Starting with nothing but a crappy sword and few moves, into doing mad combos straight out of The Witcher is clearly a hidden gem that shamefully was only published in Europe for PS2, Gamecube, Xbox and PC and that was very barely.
Much like the Original Gothic, only those located in and around Germany and France even knew of it’s existence.
Here’s a pirate link for those interested, more content is coming soon, so stayed tuned.